Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
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Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
it must be school picture day
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Phones down.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now