Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
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advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
selfie game
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Stop.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
#dalle2
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.