Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
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You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.
beware of dog
(jukin media)