Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman

(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”

(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*

My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”

Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service

Batman: Your carrier sucks

Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?

Batman: Bat Mobile

Wait a minute…

Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.

[visit to zoo]

See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.

Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.

Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.

@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale

Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.

The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.

Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy

To me, being Single means never having to apologize..

Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced

The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.

Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines

GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…

I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.

I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.

My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.

Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.

Me, showing up to school the next day:

[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”

if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends

People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.

Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!

The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.

I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

Me: maybe we should let it live

Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?

Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale

Ahab: …ha

Me: haha

Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez

Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot

Ahab: oh like immediately

KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction

GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.