Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
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Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever