Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
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Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?