Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.

Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet

Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree

Him: What dat mouf do?

Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.

me: what’s your favorite book

her: I love 1984

me: just pick one

Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.

has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet

Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”

JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*

ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*

No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.

Just got to our Airbnb!

my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.

Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.

What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

Yamahahahahahahahahaha

I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.

I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

Dracula: *transforms into a bat*

Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula: *tiny voice* yes

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

notice

Just show up everyday and be consistent.

Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.

I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.