*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
You Might Also Like
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.