Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti

Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired

Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.

You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think

“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?

🤣

Check out the legs on this baby

I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.

*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*

dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment

wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together

Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.

if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco

Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.

I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.

Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…

if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.

[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]

*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.

What do we want?

Decisiveness!

When do we want it?

Ummm…

Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.