[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
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Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure