[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
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Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
this isn’t threatening at all
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.