Dad: it’s considered bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her wedding dress before the ceremony.
Me: Yeah, I know. It’s why I’m facetiming him.
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
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Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
*wears one gryffindor and one slytherin sock to work to represent the internal human struggle between good and evil*
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Me and my lover, sitting in a tree A-R-G-U-I-N-G
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]