Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.

The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”

If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo

Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?

Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.

ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.

The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day

I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.

me, flirting: did it hurt?

her: what

me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face

Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.

INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired

Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare

Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks

reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it

You know the economy is tanking when Kanye’s girlfriend can’t even afford clothes.

Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you

Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors

❒Single

❒Taken

✔ This claim is disputed!

A guy in the parking lot saw me trip over my own feet so I yelled to him “I just quantum leaped into this body!”

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.

No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.

I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here