Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Thanks for taking the time

Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself

Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.

Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving

If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.

The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.

The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo

Her: what?

Me: no his hearing is fine

Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.

Me: can you come in here a second?

Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?

Me: not for you

You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?

There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.

Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.

But then refused to use them.

[A field]

*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*

I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.

ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me

baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold

mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear

Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing

I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.

I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*

Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]

*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*

“I…am…a…vegan”

Her: did you give the dog alcohol?

Me: no, why? Is he acting weird

Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/

Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school

My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.