Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

Do men still open car doors?

That 👊

[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]

Me: GET A JOB!!

Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby

Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!

Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.

[creating scorpions]

satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second

13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?

me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.

[End of day 1, building Rome]

Builder: We’ve finished, boss

Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.

I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.

My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.

ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else

MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works

Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.

Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.

me: i have good and bad news

her: bad first

me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks

her: what’s the good news

me: i found waldo

I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.

There are two rules in life:

1) Never give out all the information.

Me: Would you like a sample?

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Handing out free samples.

Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!

Me: This is a weird Costco.

Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.

Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”

when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face

my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET

Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.

Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.

Wife: I watched you dress her.

If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?

british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”