Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

*at the vet*

me: my new cat won’t stop hissing

vet: ma’am this is a cockroach

me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off

A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.

Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.

I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?

I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance

Derek: You wanna go out again some time?

Stephanie: Sure, name the date!

Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

friend: you should name your plants

me: why

friend: it’s just a cute thing people do

me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily

friend: wait

me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris

friend: no—

me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary

friend: I hate you

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow

Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb

my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store

Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”

Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”

GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?

ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend

GOD: who?

ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school

My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.

It’s Mental Health Day today.

– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season

Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.

My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.

[courtroom]

me: good morning, Judge McDonald

Judge: you will address the court properly

Me:

Judge: or be found in contempt

Me: Good morning, Your Ronald

Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.

tinder is all about the long game

Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.

based al yankovic

Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.

Nurse: The what?

Me: Just do it, ok.