Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.

ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?

GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda

Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?

A taxi.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can’t look up anything

…u ok Nintendo?

just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun

Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.

Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!

The Antics Roadshow

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?

Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.

-first day of algebra class

Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.

My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful

The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

Tree: Bark

Dog: {leaves}

Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline

How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War

Australia has an election this year. Wanna talk about it all day, every day, and make it our entire personality?

Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.

15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.

Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!

15: Uhhh…what?

Me: Never mind.

“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”