Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”

Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”

me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth

Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.

If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.

*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.

*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*

*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31

12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games

Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be

hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall

If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

Lmao

Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!

*First bite of pancakes

“This is the greatest food ever!”

*Last bite of pancakes

“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”

experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…

How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what

Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL

* hangs up land-line *

i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort

“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.

When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

Me: Send prudes.

Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?

Me: What? Ew. No.