Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather

My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.

Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup

[first day as a billionaire]

Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero

I laughed at this way too hard.

My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese

[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”

Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.

Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?

Me: Kids?

I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.

TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

Nigella has gone too far this time.

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

waiter: would you like a table?

me: yes, the multiplication please

Wife: Will you rub my back?

Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night

When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.

First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”

Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”

ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*

you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.

Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?

Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.