date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in
am i cooked
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Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird