date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in
am i cooked
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I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Children of the Corn Man
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*