Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.

It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.

time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys

It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one

I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down

Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.

I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE

Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*

Baker: “When is your wedding?”

Me: *with mouthful of cake*

“What wedding?”

Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

[Courtroom]

Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!

Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.

I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”

Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.

I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.

I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.

If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”

I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.

I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.

I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.