Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones

CORONER: no

I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.

every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me

My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast

[Next morning, after I make pancakes]

My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal

Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.

Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?

BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*

B: SHIT

ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

Me: I’ll be home a little late today.

Son: Why?

Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.

Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.

Breaking news:

“I will cook for you.” I threatened

I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion

When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit

Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!

KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?

doctor: and are u sexually active

puppet: he is not

doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth

me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not

The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.

[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”

my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire

Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?

[First prison riot]

Me: *guarding my toilet wine*

fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt

A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.

That took me a moment.

Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.