Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.

Erm I’m gonna say no

When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.

Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.

when your wife asks about the texts from Marie

got my wisdom teeth removed.

surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else

“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE

My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.

me: listen pal no one talks to me that way

guy with british accent:

I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.

Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?

Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.

The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom

Guys which shade of gery should I get

Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.

before meds: *hates everything*

after meds: *feels good about hating everything*

you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore

? 💀

*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby

You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*

My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.

There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce

if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*

At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?

Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”

My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.

There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.