Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat

*lays down on the battlefield*

You all go on without me. I’m tired.

Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.

For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.

Seals are like dog mermaids who bite, so, like dog mermaids.

did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.

[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours

If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.

If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend

How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?

You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

Breaking News:

I did 3/16th of a complete push-up

I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly

[restaurant]

ME: Do you have updog?

WAITER: [sighs] No sir

M: Ok, is this gluten free?

W: No you have to pay for it

M: Damn you’re good

<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right

Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!

*points at baby*

Me: You gonna eat that?

Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.

Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?

A2: I do.

A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.

A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?

A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”

Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.

My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.

When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty

tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them

I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.