Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.

Me: Which game were you playing?

4: Lava Queen and Assistant!

Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?

4: How did you know, daddy?!

Daddy knows.

I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.

[GOING BACK IN TIME]

Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!

Everybody: The what now?

her: wanna come over

me: can’t I’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.

When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.

[Date]

Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.

“What time is it?”

*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*

*Still has no idea what time it is*

3% human
97% stress

I see that your IQ test came back negative.

My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder

They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.

🤷‍♀️

Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub

Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:

Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.

the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.

Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.

CHEF: Thank you.

ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai

My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity

Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..

..

..

..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!

Good morning

Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒