date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
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Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
OH. COME. ON.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.