Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
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“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
My five year plan is a meteorite
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?