Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*

BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.

GF: “Can I be frank?”

Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”

ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life

EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography

Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.

MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.

ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.

Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”

Cyclops: Wow

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…

How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”

Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.

Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.

I have some bad news about people who work in offices

ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better

SURGEON: How did you get in here

what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen

what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.

If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.

My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.

me: got any weekend plans?

me: gonna get chubby

me: yah me too

I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place

I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”

Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude

*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!

Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.

[meeting girlfriend at the park]

Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!

Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.

Me [being murdered in my home]:

“Can you take your shoes off?”

Her: My baby is 28 months old.

Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?

Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore

Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you

me: how’d the date go

friend: i got ghosted

me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out