Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we

Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?

OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha

They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys

dentist: lay on the chair please

me: ok

dentist: face up

He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

10am: thinking roast chicken dinner with some steamed veggie’s and a baked potato.

5pm: ☎️ Can I get a large meat lovers pizza please

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…

Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.

Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you

Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?

If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.

Follow me for more health advice

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.

This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️

Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”

sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “

I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.

I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.

Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.

Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.

George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*

George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

Pretty much. 🤣

I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see