Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
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Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
This kid will have a bright future.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.