@fishbowel: Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
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@Reverend_Scott: Obama: Hello Amer- *feels a tug on his suit coat* What Joe?? Biden: What color should the lion be? Yellow. Biden: I'm using green. *giggles*
@SassyChantelle: Stop correcting my vodkabulary
@Spaziotwat: As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
@Cpin42: I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
@BradBroaddus: I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
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