Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight

Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-

Date: aww

Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*

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I’m a good mom, but not a “not gonna chuckle to myself when you get hurt doing something I told you not to do” good mom.


Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.


I tried driving today without texting, eating or getting high but it was so boring I fell asleep at the wheel. Thanks, Oprah.


“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.


Fun tip – instead of going on vacation with a baby, stand outside until you’re sunburned, then light $1,000 on fire.


Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…


Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December


Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.


Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)