@sweetmomissa
I’m a good mom, but not a “not gonna chuckle to myself when you get hurt doing something I told you not to do” good mom.
@spaceboyriley
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
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@sweetmomissa
@impaulmccoy
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
@knotta_tardfan
I tried driving today without texting, eating or getting high but it was so boring I fell asleep at the wheel. Thanks, Oprah.
@sad_tree
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
@juliussharpe
Fun tip – instead of going on vacation with a baby, stand outside until you’re sunburned, then light $1,000 on fire.
@cali_cathy
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
@CrockettForReal
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
@Mom_Overboard
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
@UnFitz
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
@Pappiness
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)