Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

What do you mean I can’t change the past?

*logs on to Wikipedia*

“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.

Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand

The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history

When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”

Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.

Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA

DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now

I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.

Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:

Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work

Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice

*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.

Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.

me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.

My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…

*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*

2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.

My kids: what are we having for…

ME: LEFTOVERS

Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.