Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
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You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.