Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?

DOG: Correct

Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before

Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease

AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.

spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow

I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.

mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.

Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”

~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~

Me, “I want a divorce.”

stopped to pee at a McDonner’s

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?

My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.

BIL: Which one is the black one?

10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*

Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion

Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.

If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.

Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.

Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something

The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.

Harry Potter at an interview

Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.

If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk

In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.

Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!

Me:

[varnishing an old rocker]

keith richards: what the hell man

There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.

If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.