DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
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Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Commits all the murders so I can be most wanted by somebody.
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.