Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”

A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”

A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.

Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.

It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.

I’m about to put on a white shirt.

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.

Gets drunk.

Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.

[Marvel pitch meeting]

“C’mon, just hear me out…”

“The answer is still no, Ted.”

[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]

“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”

All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.

Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.

The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕

Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—

4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.

Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*

*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-Morse code.

If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.

Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.

What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”