Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
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When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
So, can we agree on 4 or
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
A decision was made here.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.