Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop

Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too

Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend

[looking down from heaven]

darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on

Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.

hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird

Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.

My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor

mugger: gimme all your cash

me: lmao my what

If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.

my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?

me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one

My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us

Noah was an idiot.

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”

I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.

never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge

i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs

I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

You could say I’m on stand-bi.

Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”

Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy

I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?

Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?

5:

Me:

5: I’ll borrow another dollar.

*discovering a dead body*

Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?

Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.

Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right

*puts on new Fitbit*

*steps on scales*

Welp, this is bullshit!

Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!