date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
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Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.