Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
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Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Omg 🤣
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Tier 3 meme
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:beast:
beauty:
beast:
beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
sry
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]