Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
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Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
There’s only one good girl here!
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.