date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
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We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.