Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”

Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?

ME: I taught myself how to play piano

INTERVIEWER: By ear?

ME: No, just with my hands

Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.

Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.

Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.

doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections

I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”

*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.

Oh, so you’re a human?

name three pictures with traffic lights in them

Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..

One. Kernel. At. A. Time.

Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.

restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place

Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!

It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well

cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”

Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.

Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.

Netflix and scream at our children?!

*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH

The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!

#labordayweekend

If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.

This is why I don’t delete Facebook

Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here