date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
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GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.