Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.

911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!

Spinach: *laughs maniacally*

woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing

Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!

4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.

a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat

The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.

Apparently my superpower is being invisible.

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

[A field]

*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*

How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”

My first child will be named New Folder.

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

Me: [walking through front door]

4: Is it storming outside?

Me: Yeah it is buddy.

4: Did you get hit by lighting?

Me: Nope I’m all safe-

4: Why not?

Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.

pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)

1) An act of spinning on one foot

2) A tiny gay pirate

One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭

2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.

JUDGE: That THING cannot enter

ME: But Inky is my pet

OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*

INKY NOOOOo

Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.

Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!

-Librarians arguing

My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.

Okay so I need to find and purchase this book

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.

Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that

The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”