Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day

A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children

[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly

Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real

surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint

Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.

Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.

*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?

Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

My favorite female superhero

Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.

*uses falsetto voice*

MR. SMOOCHES!!

A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.

A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”

would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time

I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling

First Date

Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.

Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*

Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.

[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together

The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?

Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it

[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.

Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.

Is Mark short for something like Markathon?

A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.