Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
You Might Also Like
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
No. He’s not coming out to play
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb