Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
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Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
🤔😂😂
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.