Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This could have been an email.

— me, while attending a wedding ceremony

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”

Five-word horror story:

“I’m going that way too”

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.

drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.

girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet

me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months

Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out

If you love something, set it free.

(Does not apply to ferrets.)*

*I am no longer allowed on the subway.

I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.

Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas

I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.

Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other

My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.

Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point

THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space

Hi, I joined a cult.

*got an air fryer

I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”

To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???

16: They asked me for my email.

12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!

16: Ewww, I know!

*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me

OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.

.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back

Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.