Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case

My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.

Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best

sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???

My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.

person: calm down

me: *calm immediately goes up*

I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.

Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..

I hate myself

America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?

Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling

airline: you need to pay to check luggage.

passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.

airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.

Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.

Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*

i’m a 10 (tion deficit)

I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you

If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.

chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord

me: I just want some nuggets man

cfa employee: I Would Die For You

I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.

It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?

Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”

[Job interview]

Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next

Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit

I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint

-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume

I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually

don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”

“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013

CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?

nobody: …

my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.

Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.

Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.