Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”

66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”

If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices

free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side

“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”

Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.

No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”

I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.

*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.

I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.

A 27yo asked me to come home with him!

I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!

My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace

Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake

telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14

Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*

We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:

– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)

I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream

Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.

Twitter dot com. *sigh*

[During sex]

Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*

Him: Ok… Wanna role play?

Me: Sure, you’re a musician

Him: Oooh! Which one?!

Me: Bono

Him: Why Bono?

Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.

Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?