Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her

him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?

me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose

him: that’s not what I asked

me: that is the information I have

I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

“How can I help u, Bowser?”

I need a loan

“For ANOTHER castle?”

A flying castle

“U have like 24 already”

IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.

@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂

[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.

Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.

My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways

If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk

I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.

You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear

the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations

“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.

After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.

For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5

MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep

DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*

18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.

a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.