@FrazzleMyGimp

DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?

ME: {seductively} One sec.

[2 minutes later]

ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.

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@Springaling85

Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day

@Jake_Vig

THEM: Hey–

ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.

THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”

ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.

@neiltyson

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

@LuvPug

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

@drayzze

I’m at my most developmentally challenged when I’m at someone else’s house trying to figure out how their lamps work.

@RodLacroix

9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

@3sunzzz

We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

@BoogTweets

Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*

@Mardigroan

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

@TheAlexNevil

Me: Are you scared?
7: A little.
M: Me too. It’s ok. I’m right here.
7:
M:
Wife: Oh my god–it’s just broccoli!