DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?

ME: {seductively} One sec.

[2 minutes later]

ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.

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Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day


THEM: Hey–

ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.

THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”

ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.


Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.


I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count


I’m at my most developmentally challenged when I’m at someone else’s house trying to figure out how their lamps work.


9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI


We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.


Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*


How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”


Me: Are you scared?
7: A little.
M: Me too. It’s ok. I’m right here.
Wife: Oh my god–it’s just broccoli!