[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
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They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
greetings!
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?