Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.

7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kids

Kids are such fast learners these days

When I face a minor setback

My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.

Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)

I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.

Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

Me: So, what was the issue?

Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.

Me:

Plumber:

Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it

Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.

I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.

Me: OMG I love this song

Radio: should I play it again

Me: okay

Radio: fifteen times

Me: wait

Radio: every hour

Me: no

Radio: for the next six months

I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver

Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?

Dogdamnit, autocarrot.

I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?

Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?

In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

Has science gone too far?

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.

So. Yeah.