[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
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trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
A male goth is called a broth.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.