Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?

I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable

ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.

Dr: do you eat healthy?

Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales

Dr:

Me: the hummuses

Dr: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.

Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*

My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT

me: I need to speak with the megaster

megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers

Boss-You’re Always the first one here!

Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?

*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.

A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.

Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)

When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.

In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”

Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you

Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”

felt cute might bury dad later idk

<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife

Yup

PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]

[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”

My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.

Me [aghast]: My child?

*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.

“shake what ya momma gave ya!”

*starts shaking low self-esteem*

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.

When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.