Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for

Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.

God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.

Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )

God: nice! your turn Dog!

Dog: oh.

Cat: I’m so excited!

Dog: alleycat.

Cat:

Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.

me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?

priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific

*finally drifting off to sleep*

Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK

[ouija board]

Who are you?

*board begins spelling*

G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O

What the — a Luigi Board?!

W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E

boss: you’re late

me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour

boss: did it work

me: no, I think I need better shoes

trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song

Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.

Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.

9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?

me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.

9yo: like clothes?

me: no they don’t have clothes there.

haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while

Obama:

Me: like we all know who he is, but

Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™

Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for

Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.

“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”

Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf

[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change

Sign: *APPLAUSE*

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.

Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!

My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked