@dinnersruined

DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?

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@tsm560

No Brenda, Machu Picchu isn’t a Pokémon

@Lucifervor

Hear me out: a new Gordon Ramsay show where he helps kindergarteners with homework.

@MazMHussain

Said it before but someone needs to start a rumor that Muslims don’t eat donuts so that people will start sending those to the mosque.

@jonnysun

“building-building building building building-building building”

(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)

@jdforshort

[updating CW’s iPhone]

M: You need more gigs

CW: I don’t need no gigs I got a job

Having a smart phone doesn’t make you smart.

@deankarrier

Convince new friends into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows

@FilmsWeWant

A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.

@djdarrellripley

Her: I think my fathers in jail.

Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.

@robdelaney

The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.

@TweetsByKaylee

[church fundraiser]

me: *takes out a $100*

priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child

me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?