DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
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me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
それは草
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size