No Brenda, Machu Picchu isn’t a Pokémon
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
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Hear me out: a new Gordon Ramsay show where he helps kindergarteners with homework.
Said it before but someone needs to start a rumor that Muslims don’t eat donuts so that people will start sending those to the mosque.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
[updating CW’s iPhone]
M: You need more gigs
CW: I don’t need no gigs I got a job
Having a smart phone doesn’t make you smart.
Convince new friends into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?