Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gas station lines at 2 am:

Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg

IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE

yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration

It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand

Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy

Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.

{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go

When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”

If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.

If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.

“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms

Friend: so drinks later?

Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.

Friend: after 5?

Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.

Friend: uh..k?

-LATER-

Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS

1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS

Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing

When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.

INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?

ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments

Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.

My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME

Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know

-my toddler, at bedtime

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”

[Dinner at Arby’s]

Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday

Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home

Me: Ahh memories

Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.

I’m not racist. White people scare me too.