[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
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Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Respect
this is uni
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?