[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
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I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school