DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
You Might Also Like
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
roses are red
i fall when i skate
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”