Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.

My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well

Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.

Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.

My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.

“Grandma jumped in front of my client.”
-Reindeer lawyer

How To Make Lemon Squares:

Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox

If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.

More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,

I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.

My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.

There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.

I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.

[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy

the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles

Cop: Are you high?

Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so

I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.

have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job

When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people

Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.

I was bored.

Today I’m going to give it my almost

“OK men, spread out.”

“Oat?”

“What?”

“Spread oats?”

“Spread out.”

“One oat?”

“Dammit.”

Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.

So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.