Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.

Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.

Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.

You do you.

I’m gonna do me.

*married sex

Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro

cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow

Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.

6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?

The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED

how much for the angry fruit?

Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?

4 Year Old: Chocolate

Me: You really are my child.

I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.

( *Runs out of toilet paper* )

My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.

if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?

[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.

I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.

“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”

The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.

*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF

You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone

My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol

I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits