DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
You Might Also Like
Every single bad day happened because I woke up
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.