Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.

[Being chased by killer]

Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.

Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:

me: how bad is it

dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise

[later]

wife: what did the doctor say

me: linda….i’m dying

Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.

Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.

[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!

“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”

[Massive thud]

“I’ll just check.”

I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes

Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!

TV Show Idea:

Speculation news.

A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

Facebook Twitter

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks

I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.

My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.

She’ll come back knocking!!!

“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.

Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.

{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.

Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…

[call]

MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.

ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.

MOM: what?

ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.

Me: I miss baseball

Umpire: Strike one!

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend