DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
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Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
A small tragedy.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS