Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”

Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

Having a bad vocabulary is very bad

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….

I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.

[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then

I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.

Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.

Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!

Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend

The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.

This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣

Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out

Random person: Did you try searching the internet?

Typos are what differentiates is from robots

just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire

[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way

Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card

2022: I can fix it

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.

Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.

If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry

me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all

therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood

me: one sec

My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.