DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
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I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Me when someone tries to get to know me
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Cop: where were you on October 4th 1973 at 6:48PM?
Me: I was sitting in my living room recliner
Cop: how could you…
Wife: Trust me. He’s always there.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.