DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
You Might Also Like
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
never ask a starfish for directions
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.